Do I love the Adulterer so much that I allow the adulterous behavior because I love them? Enabling behavior is born out of our instinct for love. It's only natural to want to help someone we love, but when it comes to certain problems -- helping is like throwing a match on a pool of gas.
Definition of Enabling....In the true sense of the word, to enable is to supply with the means, knowledge, or opportunity to be or do something -- to make feasible or possible.
In it's true form, Enabling behavior means something positive. It's our natural instinct to reach out and help someone we love when they are down or having problems.
However...
when we apply it to certain problems in living - Sexual addiction, chronic troubles, codependency, certain forms of chronic depression -- enabling behaviors have the reverse effect
of what is intended.
Here are some examples...
- Repeatedly bailing them out - of jail, adulterous affairs, other "tight spots" they get themselves into
- Giving them "one more chance"...then another...and another
- Ignoring the problem - because they get defensive when you bring it up or you hope that it will magically go away
- Joining them in the behavior when you know they have a problem with it - Drinking, gambling, porn,etc.,
- Joining them in blaming others - for their own feelings, problems, and misfortunes
- Accepting their justifications, excuses and rationalizations - "I'm destroying myself with sexual addiction because I'm depressed".
- Avoiding problems - keeping the peace, believing a lack of conflict will help
- Doing for them what they should be able to do for themselves -
- Softening or removing the natural consequences of the problem behavior
- Trying to "fix" them or their problem
As enabling behaviors become routine, supporters end up feeling frustrated, ineffectual, and angry. Often, they continue to enable because they don't want to appear mean or unreasonable. Enabling behaviors directly and indirectly support the vicious cycle of the never-ending problems and pain of addiction. When supporters stop enabling, when they stop helping and covering up for the addict, they allow the addict to experience the consequences of their out-of-control behavior.
They no longer wake them up.
Make excuses for their mistress.
Bail them out of jail.
They stop shielding them from the
consequences of their behaviors.
So the question to ask here is...
Am I enabling an ADULTERER
by defending them....
AGAIN!?!?
